Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Spring horoscopes.

Spring is here. The stars have spoken.

Aries
21st March - 20th April
Stay in.

Taurus
21st April - 21st May
Go out.

Gemini
22nd May - 21st June
Rent a speedboat.

Cancer
22nd June - 22nd July
Put on some earmuffs and
take cover in a tiled bathroom.

Leo
23rd July - 23rd August
Get tae fuck.

Virgo
24th August - 22nd September
Beware.

Libra
23rd September - 23rd October
You could make a sculpture
of yourself out of sawdust and
petroleum jelly if you wanted.

Scorpio
24th October - 22nd November
Steal a child's glasses.

Sagittarius
23rd November - 21st December
Burn some Findus Crispy Pancakes
(minced beef flavour) to a crisp and
leave them in someone's car
to ward off evil spirits.

Capricorn
22nd December - 20th January
Spring will be really shitty for you.

Aquarius
21st January - 18th February
A woman with a Stanley knife
taped to a hammer will bring you luck.

Pisces
19th February - 20th March
Celebrate with a tyre fire.

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