Summer Horoscopes

Prepare yourself for summer. Read your stars.

Cancer
22nd June - 22nd July
Ensure that you have bought

enough compost for the job.

Leo
23rd July - 23rd August
You can't win the pony raffle

if you don't buy a ticket.

Virgo
24th August - 22nd September

Dance like nobody is watching

and you're on fire.

Libra
23rd September - 23rd October
Do you smell something weird?

It is you.

Scorpio
24th October - 22nd November
Get your flans out and

take them to the county fair.

Sagittarius
23rd November - 21st December
Give each of your fingers a name.

Capricorn
22nd December - 20th January
Get yourself one of Dr. Amp's

gold shit-digging shovels.

Aquarius
21st January - 18th February
If you wish hard enough it will happen.

If it doesn't it's probably because
you didn't wish hard enough.

Pisces
19th February - 20th March
Lemsip will help.

Aries
21st March - 20th April
Watch some Saved by the Bell

on YouTube.

Taurus
21st April - 21st May
Rub maple syrup on it.

Gemini
22nd May - 21st June
There is a ghost in your shed.