Thursday, 21 December 2017

Winter 2017/2018 horoscopes.

Winter horoscopes here. With the only info anyone gives a fuck about at this time of year.

Capricorn
22nd December - 20th January
You will get no birthday present.
Because your birthday is too close to Christmas.
Sorry.

Aquarius
21st January - 18th February
You will get a new pencil.

Pisces
19th February - 20th March
You will get a lump of coal.
Shaped like Alan Rickman's head.
Cherish it.

Aries
21st March - 20th April
An apple and a Satsuma.
Can't say fairer than that.

Taurus
21st April - 21st May
You will get an inflatable sheep.
Pre-owned.

Gemini
22nd May - 21st June
You will get a new horse.

Cancer
22nd June - 22nd July
You will get two new horses.
And a donkey.

Leo
23rd July - 23rd August
You won't get anything.
'Cos you're an asshole.

Virgo
24th August - 22nd September
New speedboat headed your way!

Libra
23rd September - 23rd October
You will get the gift of invisibility.

Scorpio
24th October - 22nd November
You will get a hard spanking.

Sagittarius
23rd November - 21st December
Your birthday is also kind of close to Christmas.
So you'll likely get no birthday present either.
Sorry.

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